Shortboards Are A “Recession Indicator”

There are things in life that we try to avoid but inevitably cannot. Whether it be politics, taxes, or the cracked out guy in our local spot’s parking lot, some things are simply unavoidable. The same can be said about the economy, looming over our heads at all times, like the weather: greatly unpredictable, stubbornly ubiquitous, and something that we must all answer to. 

Surfers, although generally preferring to identify with the sub-culture of society, are admittedly still a part of society, and, in turn, feel the same economic pressures as everyone else. Just because we choose a job that offers vague flexibility in the hours before 10:30am (prior to the onshore wind ramping up) doesn’t mean that we have the same flexibility when our paycheck hits. Often, it is just the opposite, and we are hit us even harder financially. This is to say, surfers are as prone to the effects of the economy as anyone. 

Recession indicators – the ones found on meme pages and X feeds, not financial journals – have swept across social media. These indicators rely more heavily on qualitative observations and “street smarts” than on actual economic formulas. For some, Lady Gaga topping the music charts is a recession indicator. For others, it is the murmurs that finance bros are heading to law school in bulk. While many are easily discredited, the fact that this phenomena even exists is perhaps the greatest recession indicator of them all. 

With this established, perhaps economists should take a break from crunching spreadsheets and drinking martinis (I clearly have no idea what economists do), and head down to the beach between the hours of sunrise and 10:30AM to get a better idea of what the working public is truly facing. If this economist were to head down to the beach with a trained eye, they would be struck with a variety of clear cut recession indicators. 

The most obvious of which is the seemingly sudden vacuum of artisan funboards in the lineup. Instead we see an even greater hegemony of squash tail thrusters in the lineup, hand shaped by the best computers in the business. 

Artisan fun boards – ie. twinnies, mid lengths, a-syms, anything even remotely associated with Ryan Burch – are perhaps the greatest indicator of financial opulence. Boards like these are undeniably entertaining, both to surf and to watch others surf. But their lack of practicality turns them more into niche objects of desire than utilitarian tools. 

Close your eyes. Imagine your homebreak. It’s offshore and slightly overhead. There is a bit of a crowd; you know you’ll have to work for the waves you get. You open the back of your Subaru (guilty as charged) and look at the two boards that live there: your perfectly tailored *insert name of any shaper from Stab In the Dark*  shortboard and your funboard of choice (mine is a 7 ‘4 Cristenson, also guilty as charged). Be honest with yourself, which board are you picking? Nine times out of ten, the shortboard is the board we choose.

When the cash is flowing and the good times are rolling, sure, maybe we spend our extra dough on that fish that Mikey February is somehow bottom turn on double-overhead screamers. But now your uncle got let go from his job, your buddy has been taking some time off to find himself for the past year, and you haven’t gotten a raise in three. That quirked-up surfboard for those days when you’re feeling particularly frisky, or, on the other end of the spectrum, just flat out uninspired, now looks more like a luxury than a necessity. 

The shortboard, built specifically for the widest variety of conditions, is a much safer investment. Plus, you’ve convinced yourself that air reverses are cool again (another recession indicator?) and that this is the summer you will officially learn how to do them. 

Now, back to the beach. The economist, having spent a glorious morning watching surfers from the dunes of a beach, would make a quick note of the lack of Danny Hess balsa boards in the lineup, run back to their office, sound the alarm, and SELL EVERYTHING. At least, this is what I’d imagine an economist would do. Luckily for everyone (but to the dismay of my parents), I am not an economist, just a casual observer. On a side note, do I need to say that this is not financial advice? It’s not. 

But for those who don’t believe me, and rightfully so, the list of recession indicators far exceeds the lack of funboards in the lineup. It would be greatly irresponsible to gauge the health of the United States economy on a single datapoint alone. Here are a few other indicators of an impending recession: 

• Koa Rothman is surfing on the south shore. Shouldn’t he be getting barrelled somewhere in the southern hemisphere right around now? 

• Cole Houshmand won a contest at a beach break. That’s a back-against-the-wall type of gritty victory. 

• Mark Healey taking an interview with Cheeseburger. Not quite the strike mission we are accustomed to.

• The video moms are back at work. Sorry kids, we’re only stacking clips on the weekends from here on out. 

• Our Indy Lord, Travis Ferrer, has moved Inherent Bummer to substack. Perhaps the only way to stay underground is to go into the light. 

• Clay Marzo joins Beefs TV. The collaboration we deserve, but not the one we need right now. 

• Quicksilver is using its old logo. It’s neo-vintage!

• Baggy board shorts are back in style. But now they have 4-way stretch technology. 

• Mason Ho co-hosts a podcast. 

• The world champion will be determined in waves of consequence. Let’s hit those viewership goals. 

• Your “Fu Wax or Die” buddy started busting out the Sticky Bumps. And no, he still won’t offer you any. 

• Ben Gravy is going to be a dad. Let’s welcome the newest member of NubNation. 

• Kelly Slater is doing half rotation allyoops again. It’s neo-vintage! 

• Surfline has set up a camera at Queens Beach in Waikiki. Everyone deserves a camera at their local spot. 

Despite the S&P500 reaching all time highs just earlier this month, there is indisputable evidence of impending doom. The facts have been laid out and, if this is not enough to send you to your local credit union in an attempt to withdraw all of your cash and tuck it away in a shoebox under your bed, I don’t know what else to say. Mason Ho is hosting a podcast. Wake up, people!